True friendship is one of life’s greatest blessings, but not everyone who claims to be your friend has your best interests at heart. Some people disguise themselves as friends while harboring ulterior motives—they are frenemies, individuals who secretly compete with or undermine you. They may appear supportive on the surface, but their actions reveal otherwise. A frenemy can drain your energy, damage your self-esteem, and create unnecessary drama in your life.
While even the healthiest friendships have their ups and downs, there’s a significant difference between occasional disagreements and the toxic behavior of a frenemy. If you constantly feel drained or uneasy around someone who claims to be your friend, it may be time to examine their true intentions. Here are 10 red flags that could indicate you’re dealing with a hidden frenemy, not a genuine friend.
1. They Turn Everything Into a Competition
A clear sign of a frenemy is their constant need to compete with you, even over trivial things. If you buy a new car, they’ll immediately look to upgrade theirs. If you achieve a personal goal, they’ll go out of their way to top your accomplishment. Instead of celebrating your successes, they feel compelled to overshadow you.
While healthy competition can exist between friends, it should never involve stealing the spotlight or making you feel inadequate. A true friend will be happy for your successes, while a frenemy will see them as a threat and feel the need to outdo you.
2. Passive-Aggressive Behavior
A frenemy often hides behind passive-aggressive behavior, using subtle digs or sarcastic remarks to undermine you without directly confronting you. For example, if you receive a promotion at work, a frenemy might say something like, “Well, anyone could get that job if they tried hard enough,” or “I guess it’s nice, but it’s only a small raise.”
These comments are meant to diminish your achievements and keep the focus on their own insecurities. They avoid direct confrontation, choosing instead to make veiled remarks that leave you questioning their true feelings. According to the National Library of Medicine, passive-aggressive behavior often stems from deep-seated negativity and insecurity, sometimes inherited from childhood environments.
3. They Gossip About You Behind Your Back
Trust is the foundation of any meaningful friendship, but frenemies break that trust by gossiping behind your back. They may act like they care, offering you a shoulder to cry on or lending an ear when you need to vent, only to turn around and share your personal stories with others.
If you find out that your secrets have been leaked or that your so-called friend has been spreading rumors, it’s a clear indication that they’re not someone you can trust. True friends respect your privacy; frenemies exploit it for their own gain.
4. They Use You for Their Own Benefit
A frenemy will often take advantage of your kindness, always expecting you to give more than you receive. Whether they constantly rely on you for favors, emotional support, or financial help, they rarely reciprocate the same level of care. This imbalance in give-and-take reveals that they are more interested in what you can do for them than in maintaining a genuine friendship.
A friend who only reaches out when they need something is not a real friend. Relationships should involve mutual support, not one person constantly taking from the other.
5. Dishonesty Is a Common Theme
All relationships experience conflict from time to time, but if it seems like your interactions with this person are filled with constant drama or dishonesty, it’s a major red flag. A frenemy may lie about small things, manipulate situations to their advantage, or withhold the truth to create confusion and tension.
Dishonesty creates a toxic dynamic where you can never be sure what’s real or who you can trust. A genuine friend values transparency and open communication, while a frenemy thrives on deception.
6. They Only Care About Themselves
A frenemy is often self-centered, only engaging with you when it benefits them. They’re not interested in your well-being or your feelings, and they rarely make time for you unless it serves their own needs. For instance, if you make plans with them, they may show up late or cancel without notice, completely disregarding your time and effort.
This type of behavior shows a lack of respect and consideration. True friends make you feel valued and supported, while frenemies leave you feeling neglected and unimportant.
7. They Thrive on Drama
Frenemies often seem to be surrounded by drama, much of which they create themselves. Whether it’s stirring up conflict between you and others or constantly finding themselves at the center of chaotic situations, these individuals seem to thrive on negativity.
Their need for attention often manifests in lies, gossip, or manipulative behavior, making it exhausting to maintain a relationship with them. If you notice that every interaction with this person seems to result in unnecessary drama, it may be time to reevaluate the friendship.
8. They’re Jealous of Your Success
A genuine friend will celebrate your achievements and cheer you on as you reach new milestones. In contrast, a frenemy will resent your success, showing little to no enthusiasm when things go well for you. Their jealousy may be subtle, manifesting in offhand remarks or lukewarm congratulations, but the underlying bitterness is hard to miss.
Jealousy is often rooted in insecurity, and people who struggle with it may have deeper issues related to low self-esteem or narcissism. A frenemy’s inability to be happy for you reveals more about their own shortcomings than anything you’ve done.
9. They Act Like Spending Time with You Is a Chore
If you constantly feel like you’re an inconvenience or burden to someone who claims to be your friend, it’s a major red flag. A frenemy may make it seem like they’re doing you a favor by spending time with you or act as if they’re only hanging out with you out of obligation.
True friends enjoy each other’s company and make you feel appreciated. If someone makes you feel like you’re an annoyance they have to tolerate, they’re not a true friend.
10. Negative Energy Follows Them Everywhere
No matter what you do, it seems like your interactions with this person are filled with negativity. They rarely have anything nice to say, whether it’s about you, other people, or their own life. This constant barrage of negative energy can be emotionally draining, leaving you feeling depleted after every conversation.
While everyone has bad days, a frenemy’s persistent negativity is a sign of deeper issues. They may try to bring you down to their level, pointing out your flaws and undermining your self-worth in the process. A true friend lifts you up, while a frenemy does the opposite.
Final Thoughts on Recognizing a Frenemy
Finding a true friend is a gift, but it’s important to be mindful of those who don’t have your best interests at heart. Frenemies can be just as damaging as toxic romantic relationships, draining your energy and making you question your self-worth. By paying attention to the signs and red flags, you can protect yourself from the emotional harm that comes with having a frenemy in your life.
Surround yourself with genuine friends who support, encourage, and uplift you—those are the relationships worth nurturing. Let go of the frenemies who bring negativity and drama, and make room for the positive connections that will enrich your life.